Beginning back in the days before Rome was Rome, a couple of “colleges” of nearly naked young men would meet in mid-February in the ancient cave where Romulus and Remus were suckled by a she-wolf (luper in Latin). They sacrificed a goat, marking each other’s foreheads with goat’s blood (thus the signature red of the holiday) and drank a lot of wine, cut whips (called “februa”) from the goatskin, then raced through the hills and towns, gaily smacking the willing behinds of women looking for luck, love and perhaps a baby. For more about the history and meaning of the Lupercalia, and how it was outlawed and repressed by the Catholic Church, replacing it with the saintly, sanitized Valentine’s Day!

Once again, in a spanking hot, whipsmacking, flogtastic, female-ejaculating, breathtaking flurry of heart-shaped buns and floggers, we take back the original Valentine’s Day, The Lupercalia, and celebrate this erotic prehistoric festival of lust and thwacks in all its primeval glory. Unlike the mostly private Valentine’s Day, the Lupercalia of pre-imperial Rome was a euphoric public holiday of communal sexuality, fertility, the rush of hormones, the howl of the wolf, the crack of the whip and the coming of Spring.

Eden Alexander: Fetish star, webcam darling and female ejaculatix par excellence, Eden arrives for her virgin appearance on The Dr. Susan Block Show wearing a Valentine/Lupercalian red latex dress that keeps sliding down off her prominent nipples and up over her panty-less buns (“I could have sworn it fit when I left the house,” she coyly insists). After she whips her “hubby” on the bondage cross, Eden is the first guest to be initiated into the cult of the Lupercal as I draw a bright red Lupercalian heart on her forehead. Then she is off and riding the Sybian (as she’s done before in a medical fetish scene, in a wheelchair!). As I paddle her behind, Max speaks Italian and off she goes into a wild wolf-howling orgasm. Then she’s ready to squirt, and oh my goddess, does she ejaculate a shooting Fountain of Venus to rival Mount Vesuvius (and Deauxma!) soaking the Love Rug, splatting the ceiling of the Womb Room and baptizing me and all my onstage cameramen. Hallelujah, Sister Eden! It’s Holy Water: the very special Lupercalian blessing of Amrita. We don’t believe everything we hear in the Womb Room, but when Eden tells us she holds the unofficial world’s record for longest squirt (12 feet), we believe it. Despite her talents, she’s not a natural-born female ejaculatrix; she had to learn to squirt—which changed her life. And her sheets, many times over.

Eden Alexander: Then she’s ready to squirt, and oh my goddess, does she ejaculate a shooting Fountain of Venus to rival Mount Vesuvius (and Deauxma!) soaking the Love Rug, splatting the ceiling of the Womb Room and baptizing me and all my onstage cameramen. Hallelujah, Sister Eden! It’s Holy Water: the very special Lupercalian blessing of Amrita. We don’t believe everything we hear in the Womb Room, but when Eden tells us she holds the unofficial world’s record for longest squirt (12 feet), we believe it. Despite her talents, she’s not a natural-born female ejaculatrix; she had to learn to squirt—which changed her life. And her sheets, many times over.