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I enjoy reading all kinds of erotica, from the Bible’s lyrical Song of Songs to Rachel Kramer Bussel’s kinky Cleis Press anthologies and, of course, Anne Rice’s Beauty books. But I could not get through the “erotic” best-seller of all time, 50 Shades of Grey—not even Book 1 of the trilogy. The characters are just so unbelievable, the dialogue so vacuous, the sex so clichéd, the BDSM so contrived and the descriptions so mind-numbingly repetitive, I simply couldn’t stomach more than 50 pages of 50 Shades. Just as the irritatingly naïve lead character, Anastasia Steele, barfs all over her first date with the equally annoying billionaire-dreamboat, Christian Grey, I felt like barfing all over lines like “her curiosity oozes through the phone,” “Holy Crap” (repeated about 50 times, with slight variations like “Double Crap” and “Triple Crap”), “stroking his impressive length,” and “I don’t make love. I fuck.” I mean, how cheesy can you get?
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